Moments to remember

Tonight was my turn to put Audia to bed. (Chris and I take turns every night with the kids.) After Jammies, teeth brushing, potty, and books come songs, then snuggling and telling her good things to dream about. When I sing, I sing three songs. The first is 'Once Upon a Time' from the Broadway musical version of Peter Pan. The second song rotates between a few different favorites including 'La La Lu,' 'Goodnight My Angel' (Billy Joel,) and 'I Have Never Loved Someone' by My Brightest Diamond. The third song is always 'Twinkle twinkle little star.' The past month or so, the second song default has become 'La La Lu.' But tonight I decided to mix it up and sing 'I Have Never Loved Someone' instead. When I started singing it, Audia snuggled in closer to me and I could feel her smiling. And when I got to the part that says "When you grow to be Queen or Clown or Pauper...." She said to me, "I'll never be any of those things, mommy. I'll always be your sweetheart even when I'm an adult." I told her that she can be whatever she wants to be and be my sweetheart at the same time, then finished the song and the rest of bedtime. Moments like that are so fleeting, but the types of moments that make everything else melt away. They are the moments I want to bottle up and relive when we're having a rough day and not getting along so well. We had a very long day of cleaning and errand running....the type of day where too much menial stuff was planned and there was very little quality time spent. The type of day that I try to avoid, but sometimes just have to trudge through even though I'd rather be doing a million other things instead. But it is so refreshing to know that even though today was not filled with fun things and quality family time, my sweet daughter still would rather be my sweetheart for the rest of her life than a Queen. :-)

Now You Are Two.....

Callen on the day he was born

Callen at 1 year

Callen at 2 years



Dear Callen,
Today you are 2! And what an amazing 2 years it has been, getting to know you! You, my son, are the sweetest of sweet boys. You brighten our lives so much with your sweet smiles, your snuggly cuddles, and your amazingly silly personality. You love to poke fun, to tease and trick, to do whatever you can to make us laugh. Lately you've started pointing and saying "Hey!" when someone does something like tickle you. It makes my heart melt every time.

Over the past few weeks, it feels like you have exploded verbally. You are saying so many words now, and stringing 5-6 words together at a time, completing thoughts and sentences! It feels to me like this has just happened over night. You also will repeat what other people say, with a question inflection in your voice like you are verifying that what you heard was correct. You understand so much!

You are still (and will always be, I am sure,) OBSESSED with wheels. You LOVE vehicles of all shapes and sizes, but the bigger the better it seems these days. We switched your car seat to be forward facing a few months ago, due to your height, and you love being able to see forward! Any time you see a bus, you'll tell me, "Mama! A Bus!" and if you see a big semi or any sort of out-of-the-ordinary vehicle (a garbage truck, construction vehicles, etc) you let out a loud, "Wooowwww!" that 9 times out of 10 makes me jump.

Another thing you love to do is play with water! Whenever daddy gets home from work, you want to stand on a chair and play at the sink while he makes dinner. You also love baths, showers, the lake, and the water tables that we have here and the one at grandma and grandpa's house.

Other favorite things of yours are the mall (many mornings when we get up you ask, "Mall day?"), play kitchens (you could pretend cook for hours!), looking at photos of nails on my phone (you frequently want to sit in my lap and look through my instagram pics of nail art) and Fievel.

But your most favorite thing is your sister. You love and look up to your sister in a way that makes this mommy's heart melt into a puddle on the floor. Sure, you have moments where you get tired of her directing your play, or times where you don't want to share, but you always want to know where she is and what she's doing. You also always want to get one of anything you might get from me or daddy, be it a snack or a drink or a dessert...whatever...for Audia. I know you don't know it yet, but you are so, so, so lucky to have such an amazingly patient and loving big sister. Audia loves you so much, Callen. She is always looking out for you, and worrying about you, and frequentlygoes out of her way to make sure that you are happy and having fun.

Personality-wise you are, these days, much more shy than your sister has ever been. You like the people that you know, and you do warm up eventually to people that you sense are "safe," but it always takes a little while for you to warm up to even the people you see regularly. You are very considerate, it seems....either that or you really see the benefit of having a clean play space. I frequently see you picking up toys and putting them away (in the right places!) all on your own! Mommy loves this....please keep it up and try to teach your sister to do the same ;-) You also love to bring people things of theirs if you see they are without them. You are constantly bringing daddy and me our phones or our beverages.

You fill our lives with such love, such light, and so many smiles. It sounds corny but you really do complete our family and make it whole. I feel like there is a perfect balance among the four of us; it is not always apparent or in it's best form, but it is there more often than not. I love you so very much, and I am so proud of you, and so excited to see what you will do, my handsome TWO year old!

Love,
Mommy

Ten Years of Being 'Home'

Ten years. In some ways it feels impossible that it's been that long, and in others it feels like it's been much longer. Ten years ago I took a leap of faith and decided to meet in person a guy who I had met online. We had only emailed back and forth a handful of times, and I remember feeling extremely fed up with life in general. "Life in general" back then at the what now seems like EXTREMELY young age of 20, meant my romantic life, which of course was all that really mattered. There were only one or two guys in any of my college classes that were remotely interesting to me and they were either taken or not really my type. So when this 'Hot or Not' guy invited me (and any friends who I cared to bring along) to meet him and a group of his friends for bowling, I decided to stuff my inherent shyness and go for it. I remember walking into the bowling alley with my college roomie and BFF, Shaunie, and seeing Chris stand up a few lanes away. There was a feeling of relief; not only was he just as handsome in person as he was in his hot or not picture (YES. Hot or Not. I know. Who the heck meets their future spouse on Hotornot.com?? Well, I did,) but he had the same genuinely friendly vibe that I had detected in his emails. He came up, gave me a hug, introduced himself to Shaunie, and walked us over to his group of friends to introduce us to them as well. Shaunie and I didn't stay long, maybe a half hour or so. But it was long enough for us to both agree upon leaving, that they were a group of people we could see ourselves hanging out with again in the future.

I felt at home with Chris pretty much immediately. We had a level of comfort that I've found in most other relationships takes months or years to develop. A genuine, strong friendship has been at the heart of our relationship since day one. The first couple of years had their ups and downs; we broke up and got back together a couple of times. But we always remained friends. That friendship wasn't something that I think either of us was willing to let go of. It's the kind of friendship that spans a lifetime. And while our lifestyles have changed (we've replaced numerous camping and fishing trips with numerous diaper changes and trips to the pediatrician,) our friendship has not. We still enjoy just being together. We still make eachother laugh and think, we still support and advise eachother. We still talk. We still text and IM eachother midday just to say "hi." and "I love you." We still dream together of the things we'll do and places we'll see. And I am still so incredibly grateful for that leap of faith I took 10 years ago today. Because it really was the first day of the rest of my life. And I couldn't be any more lucky to have such and incredible man to share that life with.


Below are a few photos from the first year we were dating. Man, we look young, don't we??

Mourning the little things

I have written and re-written an opening to this blog entry about a dozen times now and nothing seems to flow properly. I really don't know how to lead into what I want to say, so I'm just going to jump in all abrupt-like and drive my inner-linguist a little bit crazy.

There are little things that Callen does that, because he is my second-born and I now actually know how fleeting stages and phases are, I really find myself mourning, even before he's done doing them. When Audia was a baby I felt like I was always looking forward to the next thing, but with Cal I feel like I am a little more present, and as a result, a little more aware and emotional over the passing of stages and of the fact that my baby is no longer that. He's a toddler, and after toddler comes preschooler and after preschooler is a kid and after a kid is a teen and after that, good lord, the kids are moving out and entering adulthood and WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! Audia is only four, and Cal only 15.5 months, and I am already feeling the panic and sadness and excitement of who they will be, where they will go, and what they will do.

But the passing of the little things is really hard this time around. Maybe because we don't know that we'll expand our family any further. There is a good chance that Cal is our last child, and there will be no more babies in our house. Little things like the way that Cal will rest his head on my shoulder, even if only for a second, any time I pick him up out of his carseat. Soon he'll be climbing out of his carseat himself and those wonderful seconds, which add up to wonderful minutes over the course of a week, will be no longer. The way that Audia will snuggle in next to me on the couch for a minute when I sit down, before she gets distracted by something and is up and playing again. How long will that last? When did I stop snuggling with my mom and decide that it wasn't cool to be affectionate? The way Cal wants to hold my hand when we're in the car and he's tired, and how without fail, about a minute after I reach back to let him hold my finger, he's asleep.

The passing of time, the changing of seasons, the transitioning of phases. They happen to everyone and no one can stop any of it. But it still comes as a surprise, and as a heartache, when it happens to you. I think of how fast the past four years, the past 15 months have gone and it feels like tomorrow I'll be writing about how Audia's off to college somewhere and Cal is in High School. *sigh*

Moved!

Whew. What a summer this has been so far! We moved at the beginning of the month into a much bigger place; from a tiny 2-bedroom apartment to a (what seems to us, anyways) ginourmous 3-bedroom townhouse! It is a bit more than double the size of our apartment, and on three levels, so nice and sound-proof when the kids are sleeping, which is FABULOUS! Our place is in a gorgeous area called 'The Preserve' and aptly so! We are surrounded by wooded areas, marshes, and a bazillion walking trails, little private neighborhood-only parks and playgrounds, and the biggest bonus is a 3/4 acre natural sand-bottom, filtered and treated swimming pool! It is basically a lake that they have hooked up a filtration system to. We haven't had a chance to venture over there yet, but it is on our agenda in the near future!

Audia took the move quite a bit harder than I expected it to, but she seems to be settling in a bit now (even though just yesterday she told us that she misses our 'little apartment,') and her behavior/mood seems to gradually be leveling out a bit.

We are still not even close to being totally unpacked, which has been a struggle for me sanity-wise. Unpacking whilst watching two youngins (or at least my two youngins...) is pretty much ridiculous. We moved on Sunday the first, Chris worked Monday and Tuesday, then we had Wednesday (the 4th of July) to get bigger projects done (I painted Callen's room, Chris worked on unpacking the playroom) and then Chris was back at work Thursday. Friday we went up to the cottage to be with his entire immediate family minus Brent's fiance, who was ill (boo!) for the weekend, which means nothing got done that weekend. (Photos from our visit below!) We have been getting things unpacked here and there as time and the children allow but keeping up with dishes and laundry on top of unpacking, as well as having regular playdates to keep Audia from feeling like her life has been totally upheaved, has me beyond exhausted. We did make quite a dent this past weekend but I still feel like we have so much to do....We definitely are not moving again until the kids are old enough to pack and unpack their own stuff!

In other news, Callen is now walking 98% of the time! He's been taking steps solo for a while now but just this past weekend he's started walking full-time. It is so fun to see him cruising around....and a bit scary....dude is fast! It's so fun to see how proud he is of himself when now that he can follow his sister around upright. In no time he'll be chasing her!

Playing with Cousin Courtney



Cuties

That Auntie Heather is funny :-)

Loving the lake

Mustachioed Nephews

Silly Cousins

Lance and Levi

Tubing Extravaganza

Audia's first time tubing

Family shot!

Callen's First Birthday

One year ago today, I went from the most difficult (by a landslide) of my two pregnancies to the easiest (by a landslide) of my two labors and deliveries and gave birth to a big, beautiful baby boy.

Since that day, Callen has enriched our lives in so very many ways. He is proving to be much like his sister in that he always seems to do things his own way, though in many ways he is the Yin to his sister's Yang. Their different personalities really complement each other well, and they have become such great playmates, with a friendship that I feel so blessed to be able to watch blossom.

In the past four weeks, Callen has started saying 'hi' regularly, saying 'bye' when he waves bye-bye, saying 'ma-ma' and 'da-da,' signing 'more,' giving kisses, clapping his hands, dancing, getting off of the couches all by himself, and drinking out of a sippy cup.

This past weekend we had a little birthday party for Cal. Even though he skipped his afternoon nap, there were no meltdowns or tears shed; he was quite a trooper, and really seemed to enjoy himself!

I designed Callen's birthday invite from scratch using some ocean-themed clip art that I purchased. I used the clip art to also make a Happy Birthday banner (which I forgot to photograph. Boo!), a 'first year' banner (seen below), and to give to our favorite bakery for his cake (also seen below). My parents were gracious and let us use their house and beautiful back yard for what will hopefully be the last time (we are moving July 1st into a house that will actually be large enough so we can host our own parties! Yay!)

The invite

Wuollet Bakery does it again!

First year photo banner

Playing with Grandpa Mustache

With Daddy and Grandpa Mustache

With Daddy and Nana

Sissy did a great job of helping Callen open his presents

Showing Callen how his new CAT toy works

Audia loves to help with the clean up....I really hope this trait sticks!

Callen knew how to make 'Danny the Dinosaur' rock right away!

Our happy birthday boy!

Changes

There are a lot of changes going on in the C-B household these days. Some of them are gradual. Callen is cruising like a pro, standing on his own for short periods, and walking while holding someone's hands. He's also increasingly frustrated with being limited to certain areas of our apartment; he wants to be everywhere, getting into everything. Audia was never the toddler who opened cupboards and took everything out; we never even purchased locks for our cupboards because she simply never showed an interest. Callen, on the other hand, is going to be that child who gets into absolutely everything.

As for the munchkin, I've heard that a lot of kids go through a rough patch around age 4 and I do wonder if we are at the start of it. Audia is, for the first time since Callen was born, expressing frustration and jealousy over the attention that Callen gets. I'll be sitting on the floor playing with both of them and she will be happy as a clam but as soon as Cal tries to crawl into my lap she will get upset and say, "I wanted to sit in your lap!" I am trying my hardest to make sure that she understands that I do not love either one of them more than the other, and am hoping to schedule some more regular mommy-Audia time to help her to feel more secure about it. Thankfully she is still very loving with him; just the other day she said to me, "You growed a good baby, mom."

We put in our 2-month vacate notice for our apartment so we are on the hunt for a larger place. Ideally I am hoping that we can find a house to rent but am open to the idea of a townhome also. The rental market here is insane compared to Arizona. We were in a 5 bedroom house, overlooking a golf course, in Tempe (essentially the middle of everything) and paying less than we are now for a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. I know I need to stop comparing but it's hard! Depending on where we move, we may also be on the hunt for a new preschool for Audia. Stress, stress, stress. On the upside, by best friend N and her family are going to be moving to the cities this summer (they currently live about an hour and a half away) so that is exciting!! Not to mention she is due to have her third little one any day now!

And in between all of this we will be celebrating both Chris' and my birthdays, Mother's day, planning and having Callen's first birthday party, and there is potential for some pretty big changes at work for Chris. And then, a couple of weeks after we move, we will be spending 2 weeks up north both spending time at the cottage (hopefully seeing Chris' family!) and going up to Grand Marais to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday. Then it will be August. Phew! I am doing my best to just take things one day at a time. But there are days it definitely is difficult to do and I get a bit overwhelmed. I am a planner, big-time. I like to have time to plan things out. This isn't to say that I'm not spontaneous; I can be. But with bigger things like, say, MOVING....I like to have all of my ducks in a row well in advance. I hate not knowing where we are going to be in two months, and if I need to be looking at preschools, and all that jazz. And when I am stressed out I am preoccupied. And when I am preoccupied I am not giving my children the level of attention and patience that they deserve. And then comes the guilt. Which stresses me out. Which preoccupies me.....do you see where this is going? *deep breath* Day-to-day, Erica. One-at-a-time........

Imperfection

It's no secret the blog's been on the back burner lately. Some of it is because we've been busy, and I haven't had much free time. But to be honest, most of it is because things have been significantly less than 'perfect' around here and when I have had free time, the last thing I've felt like doing is blogging about the imperfection that is my life. But then I read this. And this. And then this. And finally, this. And I feel a little bit better about admitting to the imperfection. It's not that I think my life, my children, or I should be perfect. But I do have expectations that are regularly let down. There is a perfectionistic side to me that, while I've mostly put her in a box in the closet, likes to poke her head out every once in a while to annoy me. And I frequently catch myself being far more hard on myself about things than I would ever be on anyone else. Which is normal, but only to a degree. And only so often. So I am working on breathing. On being easier on myself. On taking a step back when I feel like I'm floundering. The only person that can control how I percieve a situation is myself. But I am also allowing myself to feel frustrated when I am telling myself I should 'just be grateful.' Everyone is on their own life path, and to compare paths is not only pointless but dangerous. Being a mom is a full time job. There are no breaks. Ever. And I am working on being OK with feeling like it's too much sometimes instead of feeling guilty for it. I know there are people who would give anything to be in my shoes, but that doesn't mean that I should just ignore the blisters. And I know that there is a delicate balance; if you allow too much negativity into your life, you'll become overrun by it. But there cannot be rainbows without rain, so I'm letting in a shower or two here and there. And you know what? I think it's working. I am finding that in allowing myself to feel frustrated or overwhelmed, I get through those feelings more quickly than if I tell myself I shouldn't feel that way and try to stifle them. I am embracing the imperfection. Because really, perfection would be utterly boring.

If I could put time in a bottle....

Yes, I did just quote a super corny song. But the words ring true. There is something about having a second child that really puts time in perspective. It definitely gets put into perspective with one, but then when number two comes along for whatever reason it really solidifies things. With number one, phases seem to drag on because you don't know how long they will last and you're not really sure what the heck you're doing. With two, you know from experience that everything is fleeting and you get more of a chance to truly cherish the moment and mourn the moment's passing.

Callen is doing this thing lately where, after a feed, he'll nuzzle his face into my neck, close his eyes, and make pterodactyl noises. It's this half squawk/half groan sound that he'll make for a few minutes as he falls asleep on my chest. To anyone else it is probably the most irritating sound on the planet, but for me it is the sweetest noise in the world. And it brings tears to my eyes, knowing that in a few weeks chances are he won't be doing it anymore. I would give anything to be able to put those moments in a bottle and keep them, to be able to re-live them whenever I please.

And the same goes for Audia; she is at a stage of her life where she is testing and asserting independence, but she still has this fierce need for our closeness, both physically and emotionally. I do everything I can, in those moments that she climbs into my lap or into bed with me in the morning to snuggle, to just breathe her in and enjoy it. Because goodness knows it will be all-too-soon that she won't need me in that way nearly as often as she does now.

My babies are growing up. And they won't ever stop. I love it and I hate it.

Tyrannical Threes

Before I had kids, and even while Audia was a baby, I had heard plenty about the "Terrible Twos." Enough so that I braced myself for all hell to break loose and prepared for the worst. Maybe it's because I was expecting the worst that the "Terrible Twos" didn't really seem that bad. Sure, we had our days of testing and we had quite a few nights of refusal to go to sleep or stay asleep, but overall the twos just did not seem that terrible. And maybe because of that, because I was over-prepared for the twos to be terrible and they weren't, or maybe because I had heard the threes referred to as the "Terrific Threes," or maybe because our daughter has never done (and probably will never do) things 'by the book', or maybe a combination of all of these things, the "terrific threes" are simply not. They are, instead, the "Tyrannical Threes." This isn't to say that Audia is a tyrant all the time. Nor is it to say that she's a tyrant at heart. She's not. She is truly a sweet, loving, hilarious, engaging, and lovable little girl. However, she is also very smart. A little too smart. And, as I've said from day one, she is also very strong-willed. And increasingly independent. And extremely curious. When you combine these things with the typical ego-centricism of any 3-year old, you essentially get a mini tyrant or dictator. She truly believes that she should have a say in whatever goes on in our household as well as in what anyone around her should happen to be doing at the time. And obviously, this cannot be the case, nor do I let it be the case. This, of course, is met with fierce opposition by the mini tyrant. I see flashes of her teenage years and am admittedly terrified. I've read my share of parenting advice both via books and the web, (and continue to do so....any recommendations? I'm all ears!) and of course testing at this age (and really, at any age between 6 months and 5 years) is typical. The problem is that our strong-willed daughter doesn't just test things a dozen times. She tests things hundreds of times, waiting for just one slip-up by one person. And then she starts testing it all over again. I try so hard not to get mad about repeating myself for the fiftieth time because I know that really she is just trying to figure out how things work. Even her teacher mentioned that while most kids her age just ask "why?" Audia has very specific and detailed questions. Which is wonderful. I love that she is so interested and curious and inquizitive. But it is also exhausting. All I can do is hope for "Fantastic" rather than "Fearsome" Fours......

Lesson: You are your own (and your kids own) best advocate.

One lesson I learned the hard way in life is that you are your own best advocate when it comes to your health. It's one of those lessons that I try to impart on anyone I know who is having health issues: if you have a gut feeling something is wrong, beyond what the doctors say is going on, listen to your gut. Push for more tests, get a second opinion, research your symptoms on your own. Do not silence your intuition just because a doctor gives you their diagnosis. Doctors are not Gods; they are human. And they can be wrong.

My only interaction with doctors as a kid was with my pediatrician, for standard things. Well checks, strep tests, vaccinations, diagnosing the chicken pox. I had perfect vision and perfect hearing. I never broke a bone, needed stitches, or had any odd illnesses that required me to see a specialist. Overall, I was pretty healthy and pretty lucky. But because of my only ever interfacing with my pediatrician (for 18 years,) I also think that I developed an unrealistic view of doctors. In my mind, doctors (at least the vast majority of them) knew everything. They rarely, if ever, faltered. My first wake-up call was in the spring of 2005 when I developed a blood clot and spent a week in the hospital, half of my days in ICU. I only saw my doctor 2 or 3 times total in a span of 6 days, had to teach three different nurses how to draw blood out of my arterial line, and while I finally left the hospital with a diagnosis, I also left without the surgery I needed because I was so horrified at how alone I realized I was in defending my own health. I won't go into details because the story is LONG, but the short of it is that after a bunch of research done by me, my family, and a family friend, I decided to have the surgery done in a different state by a doctor who not only knew what the heck he was doing (and later told me that he would have been able to give me a diagnosis in a day or two tops) but also had bedside manner, which my first doctor definitely didn't.

My second experience with this has been in the past couple of weeks. Again, it is a ridiculously long story, but the short version is that Audia was having light sensitivity and watering in her left eye. First we were told it was "non-contagious conjunctivitis" and prescribed drops. A couple days later, we noticed a whitish spot on her cornea and brought her back in on day 4 of the drops because she had not improved at all and the spot was still there. We were referred to a pediatric ophthalmologist. He couldn't see any spot and said it was probably just pink eye and to give the drops another week (it had been 6 days on the drops already.) The next day her eye was worse and my gut told me that it just was NOT pink eye. We insisted on another appointment, and this time the eye doctor actually used a slit lamp and magnification (which he did not the first time....) and saw what we were talking about. He brought in a corneal specialist to look as well and they both agreed that she needed to have surgery to have the abnormality removed ASAP so it wouldn't cause permanent scarring of her cornea. The day after that, our brave little girl went under anesthesia for the first time in her life to have an "abnormality in the epithelial layer of her cornea" scraped off. Apparently they typically see that kind of abnormality when there is a foreign body embedded in the cornea (like a piece of sand or glass) but they did not find any foreign body, and the "sample" of tissue was too small to send off for testing. The good news is that so far it seems to be healing well and her light sensitivity has diminished immensely compared to a week ago. Only time will tell if this is something that will recur or has impacted her vision.
Lesson reiterated: trust your gut!!

10 Years

While this is a blog mainly about my kiddos, it is also mainly for my kiddos, and I would feel remiss if I didn't acknowledge the importance of this day.

10 years ago today I was in my 3rd week as a sophomore at ASU. I was living in the dorms, and while I don't think I had yet declared it my major, I had started making movement to change my major from Psychology to Photography. I only had one morning (before 10 am) class first semester and it was on Tuesdays and Thursdays, though I can't remember what class it was. I do remember that I had decided the night before that I would skip my morning class and sleep in. I woke up on Tuesday morning to my next door neighbor, Jason, knocking on my door, saying that classes were cancelled and to turn on the news. Confused and a bit scared, I turned on my TV to see footage being replayed of the planes crashing into the twin towers. I was horrified, trying desperately to think of anyone I knew who might be or know someone in New York City. I remember little of the rest of the day. I know I spent a good portion of it watching tv with various kids from my floor. I remember being really annoyed with most of the newscasters. I remember being stunned silent. And I remember thinking to myself "Why are people so suprised that someone would try to do something like this to the US?" At the time, I don't think I said those words out loud to anyone besides my parents. The rest of the semester is somewhat of a blur due mainly to the events of that day. The entire country was in a state of mourning and shock (not to mention extreme paranoia,) which I am not sure will ever be shaken entirely, at least not until our generation has passed. I only hope that my kids never have to experience such a devestating event, though it seems every generation has their own. Columbine and 9/11 were ours.

A day without a toddler

I will be the first to admit that life with a newborn is hard. However, as of Thursday I am also willing to say that life with a toddler is (in some ways, at least) harder. Or at least more chaotic. Less productive, perhaps? I used to be so eloquent. I suppose I'll find the words I'm looking for at 3:24 am next Tuesday.
Anyhoo, my mom took Audia on Thursday in order to give me some time to get some stuff done around the apartment. It is not a common thing for me to spend a day without Audia. I honestly think that since she was born, I've had maybe a total of 7 days where the majority of the day was not spent with her. When I say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous. But, as a stay at home mom, it also makes sense.
Point is, I got more done on Thursday than I've gotten done in most full weeks! I did four loads of laundry, one load of dishes in the dishwasher, 5 loads of dishes by hand (yes, five!!), washed all the counters/surfaces in the kitchen, vacuumed the living room and dining room, re-organized some of the stuff in our dining room, organized some of the random stuff that's accumulated in our bedroom since Callen was born, and rearranged the furniture in Audia's room. All while still tending to Callen's needs. And I even managed to watch an episode of Arrested Development and eat lunch, too! Needless to say, I was amazed at what I was able to accomplish. I've heard that "Good moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens, and happy kids." It might be too early to tell how well Audia is turning out, but I'd like to say that she is happy 98% of the time, and, for the record, if the floor is sticky, it does get cleaned. But after seeing how much I can get done when she's not here, I feel a little less guilty about what doesn't get done when she is. ;-)

The week of big decisions

So, in my last post I referred to another big decision that we were making this week, but didn't include any details. Finally I can talk about the craziness that's been going on for the past month! Woohoo!

About a month ago, Chris got a call from a headhunter who had gotten his contact info from a guy that Chris met at a networking luncheon over a year ago. This headhunter was looking for someone to fill an IT project manager position for a small IT firm downtown. Let me be sure to preface this by saying that Chris was in no way looking for another job; he is very happy where he is, has great relationships with everyone that he works with and for, and genuinely likes his job. Plus, he's only been there a year and got a great annual review and impressive increase already. That said, the headhunter proposed an informational phone interview - nothing too serious - and he figured it couldn't hurt just to find out about the job and company to see if it was something he'd be interested in. Well, that informational interview turned into three more interviews over the span of three weeks, each making the position sound more and more like not only something that Chris would be great at and enjoy, but also making the company and the people he would be working with and for look more and more like they would be a great fit as well. In the midst of these three weeks, the company that Chris currently works for posted two internal lead positions in his department, one of which he also applied and interviewed for. And all of this less than a month before Callen's due. Talk about crazy timing.

Long story short, Chris got an amazing offer from the company downtown. The type of offer that you simply can't turn down because it is that good. The type of offer that surprised both of us because while we had talked about the possibility that it could be that much, we never expected it to actually be that much. So Chris told his boss about it, and that we couldn't turn it down, especially with a second child on the way. Chris' boss told him that Chris had gotten the lead position he applied for internally and that he would do everything in his power to provide a counter-offer that would convince him to stay. Now, I've always known that my hubby is an amazing, wonderful, talented, dependable human being, but to have that reiterated by two companies pulling out all the stops to get him makes my heart sing because I really don't think that he realizes how amazing, wonderful, talented, and dependable he is.
His current employer provided a counter offer that, while not quite as amazing as the offer from the company downtown, is certainly enough to get him to stay. We spent forever going over numbers and then trying to put a price on things that can't be bought, such as the stability and relationships and rapport that he already has at his current company. The icing on the cake is how gracious the other company was in hearing that he was turning down their offer. Certainly no burned bridges, and if anything some great people in the industry to keep in touch with. And to think that just over a year ago, Chris had been out of work and searching for a year!

39 Weeks

39 weeks yesterday. And what a week it's been! Lots of changes and big decisions being made at our house, though some will need to be kept under wraps for another day or two. But, still no Callen. I had my 39 week appointment today and have had no progress since Thursday. Plenty of braxton hicks contractions, but apparently they are not doing much of anything, which is frustrating to say the least. Chris and I spent a while after my appointment deliberating over whether or not we want to wait another week or keep our scheduled C-section for tomorrow. Ultimately, we decided to wait another week. I really, really, really do not want to have surgery if we can avoid it, and both my pubic symphysis and SI pain has been managable for the past week, so I would rather wait it out and hope he comes on his own than have surgery and the 6 week recovery that goes along with it. That said, June 15th is the ultimate deadline for his arrival at this point. Hopefully he'll come before then.
This waiting and wondering and hoping surrounding not only the when but the how of Callen's arrival combined with the waiting and hoping and weighing of options surrounding this other potential big change in our lives has me more exhausted emotionally than I can even begin to say. Ultimately, everything is for the best, and I am very grateful that everything on both fronts is going as well as it is, but that doesn't change the fact that my patience is being tested to the most extreme extent it probably ever has before. Too bad I can't go to sleep and wake up when it's all over!

So close and yet so far....

Well, Callen officially reached 'full term' status on Monday (which was, coincidentally, also my birthday.) So, from here on out he is technically good to go anytime he decides to grace us with his presence. To say that I am eager for his arrival is a vast understatement. As of Tuesday, the vastness of that understatement has been multiplied by about 5,000.

I have both read and been told by multiple doctors that ligament laxity issues are more common among taller women. Add to that my own personal inclination towards having lax ligaments when not pregnant, and I guess in some ways getting pregnant is just asking for trouble. Of course that's not going to stop me from wanting to and having a family, but it does make a little voice in my head say "Stop your whining. You knew this was a possibility." And, truth be told, even going through this in the moment, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. There is no pain in the world that is not worth experiencing for the joy of having children. That said, I apparently have managed to now injure my pubic symphysis. How? By bending over to fix my shoe. I know; talented, aren't I?

So, my SI issues, which have actually been much better in the past week, have now been replaced by the inability to move my legs independently from one another without pain. Everything from getting into and out of bed to rolling over to putting on my pants to walking hurts.  My doc says that this type of injury can take months to heal simply due to where it is and the fact that you use your pubic symphysis for so much. Delivery should help with the pain and healing because then I won't have the weight of baby and the super-laxity of my joints to compound the problem. If I were working, she would put me on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy simply due to my extremely limited mobility. She added that because I am having a VBAC, I can't be induced, so she will tentatively schedule a C-section for the 6th with hopes that I will go into labor on my own before then.

The hardest part of all of this for me is the combination of not being able to do anything to fix the problem and not knowing when it'll all be over. I feel better having a solid date on the calendar; I've said all along that I would much rather have the time to emotionally prepare for a repeat C-section than to have to have another emergency surgery, but at the same time there is a huge disappointment that there is a chance that I won't be able to have a VBAC. On the flip side, I could go into labor tonight for all I know. I realize that the 6th is only two and a half weeks out....it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. But for me, it feels like forever. Mainly because I feel like the theme of this pregnancy has been pain-induced limited mobility.

Add to that the extreme guilt because I literally cannot take my sweetheart of a daughter outside to play, and I am an emotional wreck. With the SI issues, at least I could wear the belt and monitor how much time I was spending walking around to try to keep the pain that I would feel the following day to a minimum. With this, walking itself is painful so there's no doing something one day knowing that I will have to pay for it the next day....the pain is immediate, limiting my mobility even more than before. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is for me to have to explain to Audia for the fifth time today that yes, honey, it is a nice day outside, but Mommy can't walk so we have to stay inside. Thankfully my mom is close by if I need her, but with her physical limitations I would rather only use her help when I really truly need it, like when I go into labor and once Callen is here.

Dearest Callen, please come soon........

Third Trimester Infirmity

As per usual, I hesitate to complain, here or elsewhere. Typically when I'm ill or feeling grumpy, I keep my complaints to myself and to those closest to me. But I have a threshold where, when reached, I feel like I need to vent. The logical part of me hates this side of myself. Complaining really doesn't get me anywhere, and I know it. I absolutely know that I am luckier than many, that there are a lot of people who have it far worse off than I do, and that I should count my blessings. And I do. I am immensely grateful for everything that I do have. I am immensely grateful that things aren't worse than they are. That said, I literally can barely move at the moment. Every time I shift my weight, or try to get up or sit down, or god forbid, try to walk, I feel like someone is twisting a knife into my SI joint. I have a fairly high threshold for pain, but this pain actually catches my breath. The narcotic pain reliever that my doctor prescribed when I started experiencing these problems (and which, for the record, I only take when it gets this bad) isn't even touching the pain. The stretches that worked in my first and second trimesters do nothing because my belly is too large for me to do them properly. Heat and ice do nothing. The SI belt that I purchased, while I do think it helps to a degree, obviously doesn't help enough. I am, practically speaking, immobile. And what did I do to bring on this level of discomfort? I went to the mall. For about 2 hours. That, my friends, is all. A simple trip to the mall with Chris and Audia yesterday has rendered me entirely immobile for 24 hours now. 
You read in pregnancy "guide" books that the third trimester is the hardest, and while I agreed with that statement in my first pregnancy, this pregnancy makes the first seem like a cake walk. I by no means want Callen to be born before he is ready to be born. But I am beyond ready for him to be ready. I am so done with not being able to do the normal, day-to-day things that I want to be doing. And I am feeling so guilty that Audia is essentially as home-bound as I am these days. Not to mention that today is Chris' birthday and we can't go out to do anything to celebrate because I can barely walk.

One month left. One month left. One month left......

5 Years

Five Years ago today, on an almost record-settingly HOT day in Phoenix, AZ, surrounded by our wonderful friends and family, Chris made me the happiest girl in the world. Despite the heat, the day couldn't have been more perfect short of being able to slow down time and enjoy every minute a bit longer.

Like any couple, Chris and I have had some hiccups throughout our relationship (especially early on) but the one thing that has remained strong through it all is our unshakable friendship. He is, really and truly, my absolute best friend. I can't think of anyone I would rather travel the roads of life with. I love you so much, Über! Happy Anniversary!

Perception VS Reality

There is no denying that parenthood is a life-altering thing. But not just because suddenly your life is filled with diapers and bottles and messes and discipline and all of those things you think of when you think about having a child. It is also life-altering ways you have no hint or foreshadowing of. More specifically, I'm referring to the way your perception of things change. Some of these changes are gradual, and some are extremely abrupt. No matter the speed or strength with which these perceptions change, however, I still find myself marveling, every time, at how much a child changes your world.

Audia was a planned baby. I can still remember chatting with Chris over beers about whether or not we felt ready for kids, and going over the details of both of our life goals and wishes and where kids fell into that. I remember the excitement I felt as we both came to the agreement that we were financially ready, both with steady, dependable jobs, and that we were definitely both emotionally ready for the "leap" into parenthood. Two months later we were officially on the road to becoming parents. Our plan was to stay in AZ for another 3-5 years, moving back to MN when Audia was getting ready to start school. I would reduce hours at work and Chris would arrange his schedule so that while we both kept our jobs, Audia would not need to go into daycare. We would maybe try again for another child around the time that we moved to MN, though plans that far down the road were flexible and up in the air. Then the recession hit right around the time Audia was born. I was laid off two months after her birth, and Chris' work all but slowed to a halt. We were forced to move across country to Minnesota, and in with my parents, when Audia was only 8 months old. Our plans drastically changed. Our perception of how our lives would be was in total limbo; to say that it was dramatically altered is an understatement. But thanks to some amazingly supportive family and to the unshakable friendship that our marriage is based on, Chris and I managed to get through the next year and a half of scraping pennies, job hunting, and living in extremely tight quarters with very little suffering. Not to mention the silver lining....Audia had the benefit of developing an extremely close relationship with my parents thanks to our living with them for 18 months, which is something that I will be forever grateful for. Admittedly, I've always placed having kids before home ownership and my career on my list of life goals because my parents are older and it's always been a worry of mine that if I wait too long to have children, they wouldn't have the chance to develop a memorable, meaningful relationship with them. Point is, that life path that Chris and I chatted about three and a half years ago is for the most part just a memory. But I like the path we're on now just as much, if not better.

A more recent and smaller perception change that I've had occur is my desire to have a May baby. Haha. I've always said that the last month I want to have a baby is May. May has always been a crazy-hectic month for my family, and is even more-so since I married Chris. We have mother's day, four family birthdays, our anniversary, and memorial day. Not to mention 3 friends' birthdays. So, no May babies was my rule. Now, however, that I am 34 weeks along and really feeling the stress this pregnancy is putting on my body, I am all for a May baby. Join in the fun, Callen! As long as you're healthy and ready to breathe on your own, of course.
I get asked a lot how I'm feeling. And my answer is usually "pretty good." For the most part, I feel fine. Except when I try to do any amount of walking that extends beyond from room-to-room in our apartment. Then all of the bones and joints surrounding my pelvis and the base of my spine start to groan, then whine, and eventually scream at me to stop. Something as simple as a trip to Target can render me pretty much immobile for an entire day. And don't even get me started on the pain that is generated by trying to roll over in bed. The SI belt that my physical therapist recommended helps (I think?) to a degree, but not enough. There is also, of course, the quintessential exhaustion and being short of breath constantly, and heartburn after eating more than a cup of food at a time. But those things really don't bother me that much. It's the pain that I am ready to be done with. And it's the pain that will probably keep me from getting pregnant again. Unless, of course, my perception changes with time (which I'm sure it will.)

Craft Monster

If you know me fairly well IRL, you already know that I am a bit of a craft fiend. I could literally spend an entire day at a craft store if you let me. I don't claim to be very good at any particular craft, but the beauty of crafting is you really don't NEED to be perfect. Imperfection is what makes a piece special and personal, and I certainly think that nothing is better than a gift that is made for YOU; one that really comes from the heart.

While I pretty much always have some sort of knitting project going (below is a photo of the blanket I've been working on for Callen), the past few weeks I've tried a couple of new types of projects, and I've been extremely pleased with the outcomes.
I bought a 5 pack of white onesies on sale before we knew for sure that Callen was a boy, and decided to try my hand at hand-made appliques. I didn't follow any instructions; I just bought some double-sided fusible web, scraps of different fabric, and drew out a couple of basic animal shapes I wanted to try. It was super simple to do (aside from the tedious hand-sewing I did around the edges), and really is such a great way to personalize an otherwise boring article of clothing. Audia, of course, saw the onesies and wanted one too, so I appliqued one of her shirts for her.

These are votive candle holders that I decorated with tissue paper and glue mixed with water. I found the 'how to' here, and had to try it. It is super easy and totally fun!

I hope that I can share my love of crafts someday with Audia and Callen. Though, admittedly, even if they aren't into them, it won't damper my interest any. Once a craft monster, always a craft monster!