Changes

There are a lot of changes going on in the C-B household these days. Some of them are gradual. Callen is cruising like a pro, standing on his own for short periods, and walking while holding someone's hands. He's also increasingly frustrated with being limited to certain areas of our apartment; he wants to be everywhere, getting into everything. Audia was never the toddler who opened cupboards and took everything out; we never even purchased locks for our cupboards because she simply never showed an interest. Callen, on the other hand, is going to be that child who gets into absolutely everything.

As for the munchkin, I've heard that a lot of kids go through a rough patch around age 4 and I do wonder if we are at the start of it. Audia is, for the first time since Callen was born, expressing frustration and jealousy over the attention that Callen gets. I'll be sitting on the floor playing with both of them and she will be happy as a clam but as soon as Cal tries to crawl into my lap she will get upset and say, "I wanted to sit in your lap!" I am trying my hardest to make sure that she understands that I do not love either one of them more than the other, and am hoping to schedule some more regular mommy-Audia time to help her to feel more secure about it. Thankfully she is still very loving with him; just the other day she said to me, "You growed a good baby, mom."

We put in our 2-month vacate notice for our apartment so we are on the hunt for a larger place. Ideally I am hoping that we can find a house to rent but am open to the idea of a townhome also. The rental market here is insane compared to Arizona. We were in a 5 bedroom house, overlooking a golf course, in Tempe (essentially the middle of everything) and paying less than we are now for a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. I know I need to stop comparing but it's hard! Depending on where we move, we may also be on the hunt for a new preschool for Audia. Stress, stress, stress. On the upside, by best friend N and her family are going to be moving to the cities this summer (they currently live about an hour and a half away) so that is exciting!! Not to mention she is due to have her third little one any day now!

And in between all of this we will be celebrating both Chris' and my birthdays, Mother's day, planning and having Callen's first birthday party, and there is potential for some pretty big changes at work for Chris. And then, a couple of weeks after we move, we will be spending 2 weeks up north both spending time at the cottage (hopefully seeing Chris' family!) and going up to Grand Marais to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday. Then it will be August. Phew! I am doing my best to just take things one day at a time. But there are days it definitely is difficult to do and I get a bit overwhelmed. I am a planner, big-time. I like to have time to plan things out. This isn't to say that I'm not spontaneous; I can be. But with bigger things like, say, MOVING....I like to have all of my ducks in a row well in advance. I hate not knowing where we are going to be in two months, and if I need to be looking at preschools, and all that jazz. And when I am stressed out I am preoccupied. And when I am preoccupied I am not giving my children the level of attention and patience that they deserve. And then comes the guilt. Which stresses me out. Which preoccupies me.....do you see where this is going? *deep breath* Day-to-day, Erica. One-at-a-time........

Imperfection

It's no secret the blog's been on the back burner lately. Some of it is because we've been busy, and I haven't had much free time. But to be honest, most of it is because things have been significantly less than 'perfect' around here and when I have had free time, the last thing I've felt like doing is blogging about the imperfection that is my life. But then I read this. And this. And then this. And finally, this. And I feel a little bit better about admitting to the imperfection. It's not that I think my life, my children, or I should be perfect. But I do have expectations that are regularly let down. There is a perfectionistic side to me that, while I've mostly put her in a box in the closet, likes to poke her head out every once in a while to annoy me. And I frequently catch myself being far more hard on myself about things than I would ever be on anyone else. Which is normal, but only to a degree. And only so often. So I am working on breathing. On being easier on myself. On taking a step back when I feel like I'm floundering. The only person that can control how I percieve a situation is myself. But I am also allowing myself to feel frustrated when I am telling myself I should 'just be grateful.' Everyone is on their own life path, and to compare paths is not only pointless but dangerous. Being a mom is a full time job. There are no breaks. Ever. And I am working on being OK with feeling like it's too much sometimes instead of feeling guilty for it. I know there are people who would give anything to be in my shoes, but that doesn't mean that I should just ignore the blisters. And I know that there is a delicate balance; if you allow too much negativity into your life, you'll become overrun by it. But there cannot be rainbows without rain, so I'm letting in a shower or two here and there. And you know what? I think it's working. I am finding that in allowing myself to feel frustrated or overwhelmed, I get through those feelings more quickly than if I tell myself I shouldn't feel that way and try to stifle them. I am embracing the imperfection. Because really, perfection would be utterly boring.

Tyrannical Threes

Before I had kids, and even while Audia was a baby, I had heard plenty about the "Terrible Twos." Enough so that I braced myself for all hell to break loose and prepared for the worst. Maybe it's because I was expecting the worst that the "Terrible Twos" didn't really seem that bad. Sure, we had our days of testing and we had quite a few nights of refusal to go to sleep or stay asleep, but overall the twos just did not seem that terrible. And maybe because of that, because I was over-prepared for the twos to be terrible and they weren't, or maybe because I had heard the threes referred to as the "Terrific Threes," or maybe because our daughter has never done (and probably will never do) things 'by the book', or maybe a combination of all of these things, the "terrific threes" are simply not. They are, instead, the "Tyrannical Threes." This isn't to say that Audia is a tyrant all the time. Nor is it to say that she's a tyrant at heart. She's not. She is truly a sweet, loving, hilarious, engaging, and lovable little girl. However, she is also very smart. A little too smart. And, as I've said from day one, she is also very strong-willed. And increasingly independent. And extremely curious. When you combine these things with the typical ego-centricism of any 3-year old, you essentially get a mini tyrant or dictator. She truly believes that she should have a say in whatever goes on in our household as well as in what anyone around her should happen to be doing at the time. And obviously, this cannot be the case, nor do I let it be the case. This, of course, is met with fierce opposition by the mini tyrant. I see flashes of her teenage years and am admittedly terrified. I've read my share of parenting advice both via books and the web, (and continue to do so....any recommendations? I'm all ears!) and of course testing at this age (and really, at any age between 6 months and 5 years) is typical. The problem is that our strong-willed daughter doesn't just test things a dozen times. She tests things hundreds of times, waiting for just one slip-up by one person. And then she starts testing it all over again. I try so hard not to get mad about repeating myself for the fiftieth time because I know that really she is just trying to figure out how things work. Even her teacher mentioned that while most kids her age just ask "why?" Audia has very specific and detailed questions. Which is wonderful. I love that she is so interested and curious and inquizitive. But it is also exhausting. All I can do is hope for "Fantastic" rather than "Fearsome" Fours......

So close and yet so far....

Well, Callen officially reached 'full term' status on Monday (which was, coincidentally, also my birthday.) So, from here on out he is technically good to go anytime he decides to grace us with his presence. To say that I am eager for his arrival is a vast understatement. As of Tuesday, the vastness of that understatement has been multiplied by about 5,000.

I have both read and been told by multiple doctors that ligament laxity issues are more common among taller women. Add to that my own personal inclination towards having lax ligaments when not pregnant, and I guess in some ways getting pregnant is just asking for trouble. Of course that's not going to stop me from wanting to and having a family, but it does make a little voice in my head say "Stop your whining. You knew this was a possibility." And, truth be told, even going through this in the moment, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. There is no pain in the world that is not worth experiencing for the joy of having children. That said, I apparently have managed to now injure my pubic symphysis. How? By bending over to fix my shoe. I know; talented, aren't I?

So, my SI issues, which have actually been much better in the past week, have now been replaced by the inability to move my legs independently from one another without pain. Everything from getting into and out of bed to rolling over to putting on my pants to walking hurts.  My doc says that this type of injury can take months to heal simply due to where it is and the fact that you use your pubic symphysis for so much. Delivery should help with the pain and healing because then I won't have the weight of baby and the super-laxity of my joints to compound the problem. If I were working, she would put me on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy simply due to my extremely limited mobility. She added that because I am having a VBAC, I can't be induced, so she will tentatively schedule a C-section for the 6th with hopes that I will go into labor on my own before then.

The hardest part of all of this for me is the combination of not being able to do anything to fix the problem and not knowing when it'll all be over. I feel better having a solid date on the calendar; I've said all along that I would much rather have the time to emotionally prepare for a repeat C-section than to have to have another emergency surgery, but at the same time there is a huge disappointment that there is a chance that I won't be able to have a VBAC. On the flip side, I could go into labor tonight for all I know. I realize that the 6th is only two and a half weeks out....it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. But for me, it feels like forever. Mainly because I feel like the theme of this pregnancy has been pain-induced limited mobility.

Add to that the extreme guilt because I literally cannot take my sweetheart of a daughter outside to play, and I am an emotional wreck. With the SI issues, at least I could wear the belt and monitor how much time I was spending walking around to try to keep the pain that I would feel the following day to a minimum. With this, walking itself is painful so there's no doing something one day knowing that I will have to pay for it the next day....the pain is immediate, limiting my mobility even more than before. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is for me to have to explain to Audia for the fifth time today that yes, honey, it is a nice day outside, but Mommy can't walk so we have to stay inside. Thankfully my mom is close by if I need her, but with her physical limitations I would rather only use her help when I really truly need it, like when I go into labor and once Callen is here.

Dearest Callen, please come soon........

Third Trimester Infirmity

As per usual, I hesitate to complain, here or elsewhere. Typically when I'm ill or feeling grumpy, I keep my complaints to myself and to those closest to me. But I have a threshold where, when reached, I feel like I need to vent. The logical part of me hates this side of myself. Complaining really doesn't get me anywhere, and I know it. I absolutely know that I am luckier than many, that there are a lot of people who have it far worse off than I do, and that I should count my blessings. And I do. I am immensely grateful for everything that I do have. I am immensely grateful that things aren't worse than they are. That said, I literally can barely move at the moment. Every time I shift my weight, or try to get up or sit down, or god forbid, try to walk, I feel like someone is twisting a knife into my SI joint. I have a fairly high threshold for pain, but this pain actually catches my breath. The narcotic pain reliever that my doctor prescribed when I started experiencing these problems (and which, for the record, I only take when it gets this bad) isn't even touching the pain. The stretches that worked in my first and second trimesters do nothing because my belly is too large for me to do them properly. Heat and ice do nothing. The SI belt that I purchased, while I do think it helps to a degree, obviously doesn't help enough. I am, practically speaking, immobile. And what did I do to bring on this level of discomfort? I went to the mall. For about 2 hours. That, my friends, is all. A simple trip to the mall with Chris and Audia yesterday has rendered me entirely immobile for 24 hours now. 
You read in pregnancy "guide" books that the third trimester is the hardest, and while I agreed with that statement in my first pregnancy, this pregnancy makes the first seem like a cake walk. I by no means want Callen to be born before he is ready to be born. But I am beyond ready for him to be ready. I am so done with not being able to do the normal, day-to-day things that I want to be doing. And I am feeling so guilty that Audia is essentially as home-bound as I am these days. Not to mention that today is Chris' birthday and we can't go out to do anything to celebrate because I can barely walk.

One month left. One month left. One month left......

Struggles

For the most part, I try to keep this blog fairly light. I truly believe that you make your own happiness; that if you expect happiness and joy to come from external things, people, situations, you will never be happy. It is up to each of us as individuals to find the best in everything and it is up to us to make ourselves happy, hopefully making others happy along the way.

That said, there are of course days when I have difficulty finding the positive in a situation. As a mom, there are days that I feel entirely defeated and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until the day has passed. I think it's normal to have days like this; you can't appreciate the good without experiencing the bad. But, for the most part, I try not to broadcast these days. Whining gets one nowhere, when you really think about it.

However, this is a blog I initially set out to write for my children, thinking that maybe someday when they have little ones of their own, they can read about my experiences in parenting and find some advice, some laughter, some solace. So, if I write only about the good, I feel like to a degree I am selling them short. Parenting, while the best job in the world, is also hard work. And there are days that I feel highly unqualified. Like today.

Audia's been sleeping in her toddler bed since September. The transition went much more smoothly than expected, and for the most part she's been a good sleeper. There were a few weeks at the beginning of the year where she was waking up wanting to get into bed with us a couple of times a night, and also a week where she wouldn't stay in bed when we put her to bed, but she seemed to get over both situations quickly once we found the 'solution' to both. The past week and a half, however, has been rough. Beyond rough. Maybe (probably) it's because I'm pregnant, but I am having a much harder time this go-round than I did the past couple of times.

Audia's been waking up 5+ times a night asking for "one more kiss and hug" or for her ocean to be turned back on or for us to fix her blanket. If we don't respond, she escalates to the point of screaming bloody murder, which in an apartment is not an option to let her do. So we have to respond to some degree, and it seems the only thing to get her to go quietly back to sleep is to do what she's asking for. I know...spoilage, right? Thing is that even if we do what she asks, she wakes up anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half later asking for something else. I am at my wits end. "They" say not to make bedtime a battle or a negative thing by getting upset or punishing, but I am really at a loss for what else to do at this point. None of us are getting the sleep we need, and the less sleep I get the less tolerant I am during the day of typical toddler misbehavior. The less sleep Audia gets, the more she misbehaves. It's an endless cycle that is essentially making me feel like I am losing my mind.

I read somewhere a while ago about how mothers (though I am sure some fathers do this, too) tend to blame their child's misbehavior on themselves but attribute good behavior to the child. Essentially, they tend not to take credit for good behavior but still blame themselves when things go awry. I certainly find this to be the case. Audia is one of the sweetest kiddos I know; she has so much love to give, and expresses it constantly. She is (most of the time) well-mannered and considerate and not to mention a total smartie pants. But I see this as her. It's who she is. But as soon as she misbehaves, I wonder what I'm doing wrong and where I can improve. And I know that all kids misbehave. I know it's just a part of learning and growing. But I still can't help but feel like I am failing at parenthood when she has an ongoing issue such as this bedtime battle we've been having. And it certainly makes me question how the heck I am going to manage TWO children.

As a side note, I must say that through it all I feel so incredibly lucky to be married to a man who is as amazingly supportive as Chris. He has been the first to get out of bed to tend to the munchkin almost every night, regardless of the fact that he has work the next day. Every evening and for a good portion of our weekends, he essentially takes over parenting duties to give me a break. And he does it because he wants to, not because I've ever asked him to (I've never had to.) He fully embraces his roll as daddy. I couldn't be more proud to be married to such an amazing man.

The world's best paying job

"Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love." -Mildred B. Vermont

It was implied to me recently by someone that being a stay at home parent isn't having a "real" job. And thus, stay at home parents shouldn't ever feel like they need a vacation.

Now, obviously the person who said this does not have children. However, I don't really feel like it should take having a child to understand that being a parent, stay at home or not, is a HUGE job. All it should take to understand this is a little bit of thought. Just think for two seconds about it! It is a bigger responsibility (or, it should be) than anything else in the world. Before we had Audia, I didn't realize how big of a responsibility it would actually be, but I did know that it was a big responsibility. How a person could not know that is beyond me. I am torn between feeling really sorry for these people and being really PO'd. (I am also torn between hoping that they have children so that they understand and hoping that they never have children because what if they still don't understand what a big responsibility it is after they have kids??)

When I say that I feel like I need a vacation, I am in no way saying that I wish I weren't a mom or that I have any regrets about having a child. I am happier, as a mom, and especially as a stay at home mom, than I have ever been in my life. I feel more fulfilled, more in love, more rewarded, more appreciated, and more grateful than I ever felt pre-child. But I also feel more worrisome, more anxious, and more exhausted than ever before.

Being a parent (especially being stay at home) is constant. It is every second of every day, eight days a week, 365 days a year. There is no leaving work at work when you are a stay at home mom. And I take my job as a mom very seriously. I am more invested in it than I have ever been in anything. That's why I am a stay at home mom! Because I do not feel comfortable having a child and then, in her most crucial years, paying someone else to bond with and teach and play with her. (This is not to say I do not understand why some people choose to put their kids in day care; I totally do. It's just not my choice for my child.) So we have made sacrifices in order to ensure that our daughter is as well taken care of as humanly possible. They are sacrifices I would make 20 times over. And, yes, they are our choices. But that doesn't mean we don't get to feel like we need a break every now and then. Good grief!

I heard a celebrity (I can't remember who) say recently that when she had her first child, it was like every cell in her body woke up to love that child. And it's true! I totally feel that way. It's like the day Audia was born was the day I was born again - as a mother. Everything I do is for her. Every choice I make boils down to what I think is best for her. For anyone to imply that my choice to be a stay at home mom is 'easy' or 'lazy' is not only completely clueless, but it is incredibly insulting. They're fighting words, and I dare you to find any other stay at home parent anywhere who wouldn't agree!

"All mothers are working mothers." - Author Unknown

Trying to Float

There's a movie I love called 'Home for the Holidays'. I watch it every Thanksgiving. It's funny, clever, and real. A quote from this movie has been going through my head repeatedly for the past week or so.

"Just Float."

I am trying. I am trying very hard to just let the things that are bugging me roll off my back and to float. The logical, mature part of my brain knows that it is up to me to be happy, up to me to see the best in everything and everyone. That if I have the time to whine about something, I have the time to do something about it. But lately it's been a struggle. I feel like I am focusing so hard on not complaining that I am becoming mute. I know that a million people are worse off than I am, have much more serious problems than I, and I have plenty to be thankful for. But knowing these things doesn't change the fact that I feel like screaming until my throat bleeds these days. It is amazing how alone you can feel in a world full of people.

Thank goodness for the light in my life, my beautiful daughter. Her smile, her laugh, her silly, playful personality is the only thing getting me through right now.

What a difference a year makes...

It is incredible to me how much can change in a year. Becoming a parent has been one of best things that's happened to me in my life thus far. It changes you in ways you never thought of, in ways you don't even necessarily notice until you really take a good look back at who you were pre-child. You are forced to let go of things that you come to realize are unnecessary, and start caring about things you never cared about before.

The hardest changes, for me, have been the changes in relationships with friends. I am so so thankful to have friends who understand and love me despite the ways in which I've changed; the friends who understand that it might take me a week to return a phone call or that I email instead of calling back; the friends who get that I'm now totally out of the loop on celebrity gossip, and genuinely seem to want to know what Audia is up to these days and care about what's important to me in my life now.
But it has been hard to see the distance increase between myself and some friends; friends who don't get why I can't meet up for drinks at night or take it personally if I don't return their phone calls the same day. I do my best to explain that it isn't because I don't want to. But some of them kind of force you to weed them out of your life. For example, one friend went as far as to send me a nasty email saying how angry (their word) they were that not only did I not call back within a day, but they were angry that I texted them saying that conversing via email would be easier at the moment. (would they rather I not respond to their voicemail at all??) This person did not even give me the benefit of the doubt that perhaps my life was really that busy at the moment. I get that it is hard for a non-parent to fully grasp how time consuming parenting (not to mention, attachment parenting, specifically) a baby who, at the time, was simultaneously teething AND going through a growth spurt AND experiencing a sleep regression can be. Not to mention that it was the week we were MOVING! (which this friend knew) But to be angry without even asking what's going on? And then to say that their friendship obviously isn't a priority?? Sorry, you're right. It's not a priority over my daughter. Nor will it ever be.

I know I'm not the first parent to feel somewhat isolated. Or to be simultaneously hurt by the changes in relationships, and glad to see who my real friends are. There truly is no better way to test a friendship than to become a parent. Maybe some of those friends who are drifting will come around once they have kids of their own. Maybe not. Maybe things'll get "back to normal" once Audia's a little older. Maybe not. Not all of my friends who are parents "get" my choice of parenting style, and thus not all of them "get" why I can't call them up while Audia's sleeping. But most of them are more understanding than most of my non-parent friends.

Regardless of these growing pains, though, it goes without saying that I wouldn't change any of it. I truly believe that Audia is the sweet, loving, cuddly, smart, happy little girl that she is because we've taken the road that we have. She is the most important thing in my life, and if I have to watch a few friends walk away because of that, so be it.

Babies

So, I found out today that another friend of mine is pregnant with baby #2! How exciting! It is crazy to me that I am at "that age" where my friends and I are getting married and having kids. What really seals that realization of how OLD I am is that this past weekend we went to a graduation open house for a kid I babysat all through middle school and high school. I started sitting for him when he was 3. This funny, cute little tow-headed kid is now a polite, handsome, tow-headed adult.

But back to the baby #2 thing. My dear friend J, who I truly see as the ultimate mom, is the first to have baby #2 on the way; she's due this summer. J is my hero in a lot of ways. She dealt with some tough times with baby #1, but came through them with flying colors. If I need parenting advice, she is the first person I turn to. So when I heard that she was expecting baby #2, I was not suprised. If anyone can do it, she can. Seriously. But then I was talking to a few other friends who are moms and they ALL said how they already wanted a second kid. Now, one of those friends is expecting baby #2 in January! I am the only one of my friends with kids who does not feel ready for a second child. And I am feeling a bit self-conscious this. I worry about what this says about me as a mom. Am I less capable? Less compassionate? Less patient? I mean yes, I do want a second child....someday. But I cannot imagine having two spirited, independent, actively curious children under the age of 2. or 3. or maybe even 4. I love Audia more than words, and being her mom brings me an immeasurable amount of joy. But I feel like my hands are full with just her. She wants to go EVERYWHERE. If we put up a gate, she stands at it and cries, even if the room she's in is filled with new toys she's never seen before. So gates aren't an option. And she gets into EVERYTHING. If I stop her from getting into something, she shreiks and whines and cries until I let her get into it. Diversion hardly works anymore. Add to that the fact that she's now walking more than she's crawling, potentially starting to teethe again, and has started waking up at 5 am. I simply cannot imagine dealing with this and a 2 year old. Or 3 year old. Or maybe even a 4 year old. Now don't get me wrong...I am not complaining about Audia. As I said, I love being her mom. I honestly feel like it is my purpose in life, to be her mom. My point is simply that she is enough for me right now. But the fact that everyone else is or wants to be onto baby #2 makes me feel guilty. Granted we are the only parents I know who are following the attachment parenting route, so that might have something to do with it. I don't get self-conscious about much these days, but the fact that I am no where near ready for baby #2 and so many of my friends are makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

Miniature Barbie Dolls *GAG!*

*Warning: This post is a bit of venting.

Once you become a parent, I think it is natural to pay more attention to other children that are in the same general age group as your child. At least, that's the way it is for me. When I go out now, I can't help but notice all of the babies that are also out and about; it feels like there are way more babies now than there were before I had Audia, but I know that it's just that I notice them more. It's like I have baby radar.

Noticing all these babies, I have also noticed the vast majority of baby girls dressed like barbie dolls. Now, I would like to give other moms the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe this is the day that they decided to dress their child in the one outfit they own that makes said child look like a doll. Unfortunately, though, I don't think this is realistically the case. I cannot help but feel extremely sad for these children! These moms who dress their little girls up to be the girliest girly girls, complete with low cut, halter style tops that say "treat me like the princess I am", hot pink mini skirts and infant high heels DISGUSTS ME! Either these kids are going to rebel 100% hard core and become goth teenagers or they are going to become strippers. Why can't a baby just be a BABY?! Why do these parents feel that girls have to wear pink and boys have to wear blue? Are these the same parents who will refuse to buy their son a my little pony, should he want one, or their daughter a transformer? It drives me nuts. I can't help but feel like these kids are being set up to have low self-esteem issues later in life. I suppose, however, that these parents probaby feel bad for my child, who is frequently dressed in blue, will not own a lace headband until she herself asks for one, and, in their opinion, will be "confused" about her gender as a result. Or maybe they just don't think that much about it. Maybe that's the problem? I don't know. Don't get me wrong; I dress Audia in "girly" clothes, but there is a threshhold of pink, bows, and fluffy flowers that I refuse to pass. I make an effort to switch things up, I want her to know, once she's old enough to understand, that it's ok for her to be whoever she wants to be. I just feel like the parents who only dress their child in "gender appropriate" (whatever the hell that means) colors and styles are also potentially instilling, at a very young age, self-image issues that are rampant thanks to the media. "Every girl should have a pair of overalls and a blue hat" my surrogate mom once said. Amen to that.